Who is really single?

Just a thought on being single… I thought you might enjoy this. If you are in a relationship or if you feel heartbroken right now, don’t worry… along the Spiral of Love we go through all four Love Stations over and over. Furthermore, there is always a little bit of the other three Stations of Love in each Station.

Just for context, the Spiral of Love refers to a continuous journey in love that spans our lives. The Stations of Love are states along the Spiral; they are: Ready, Joy/Flow, Conflict, and Pain. 

Both the Single and the Coupled go through these Stations continuously to varying extents over time. If a person does not change partners, they still go through the Spiral of Love. If a person does not have a partner, they also go through each Station along the Spiral of Love.

Let us start with the most obvious divide among adults: An adult may be single or coupled. Although that divide is self-evident, I want to show you that none of us is truly and completely single, just as none of us are truly and completely coupled. In other words, rather than thinking of the single/coupled state as binary, I propose we think of it as a spectrum. 

Single adults may be further divided into those who are looking for a partner, and those who are not looking for one. Those who are not looking for a partner may actually be already coupled in some way, or quite hurt.

The hurt may be in frank heartbreak, desolate, devastated, or not show any signs of heartbreak other than a strong case of ‘sour grapes’. A great example of this last subcategory is something once called MGTOW - or men going their own way. This identity is marked by the belief that women are no good, and that a man is better off without them - classical sour grapes. In women, sour grapes are characterized by the idea that ‘men are pigs’ and that she is independent. We will talk about the myth of independence in the near future.

Sour grapes show up in the coupled and in the single alike. In both cases profound pain is present, but in these cases the pain has been buried in the subconscious mind. Waking somebody up with hypnosis from sour grape syndrome, as I call it at the office, is a fantastic thing… and a delicate one as well… for reasons we will also discuss in the future. 

The person in frank heartbreak has an enemy to overcome: their friends and family who suggest, with great intentions, that time heals all wounds. Or worse, the notion that another partner will remove the pain left within by the previous partner. Giving in to these well meaning suggestions is a disaster because it makes the problem worse and squanders valuable time. We will get into more details about heartbreak in the future as well.

That leaves us with the single adult who is looking for a partner. Well, if that single adult could find a suitable partner, they would not be single - so we are not talking about that case. We are talking about the single adult who is looking for, but can’t find a partner. That is the mystery I want to unveil right now. 

I just want to be very specific about this. There are non-coupled adults who do not identify as single. Examples of such are priests who are married to the church, nuns who are married to Jesus, parents of sick children who are functionally married to their children, or to an aging parent. Some are functionally married to their pets, to their jobs, or to their mission in life. These are some examples of non-coupled adults who really do not feel single at all. These adults are not looking for a partner, and more importantly, there is no anxiety or discomfort surrounding the issue of partnerships with a mate. This person feels content and fulfilled not having an actual human romantic partner, but being ‘married’ to something bigger - such as a cause of importance to them.

The single who is looking, but can’t find, I claim, and 28 years of clinical experience confirms, is already coupled to something else. Their jobs, their parents, their pain, their fears, their past, their future, their ideas, and increasingly more commonly, themselves. The person who truly cannot find a partner is actually not very single at all.

If you know of someone who claims to be looking for a partner but seems unable to find one, ask them to get really quiet for a moment, and allow whatever is most important to them to surface in their awareness. They will tell you something like: finding a mate. That is not what is most important to them, that is their strong desire. What is most important to us is what we think about the most. It would be simple if i could ask a person what they think about the most, they tell me, therapy is over. But it is not that simple. 

By definition we ‘ignore’ any stimulus that is constant; we do not feel our bodies, the clothes rubbing against it or background noise, unless there is a problem. Similarly, we are not aware of what we think about the most, hence the notion of sub-conscience. Whatever our prevalent thought is, it is so constant in our minds that we are no longer aware of it, or that it is there. This is where hypnosis comes in - it allows us to become conscious of the unconscious.

Oh, why do we want to become conscious of the unconscious? Just so that we can choose again, so that we can make a conscious choice this time. 

Do you see how we help a person live the most wonderful of all human experiences? If you see it, be the hero, or the heroine, and share this message with your single friends, they will thank you. You can also come into any of my free webinars and learn more, or just say hi.

Blessings,

Dr. Flavio

Amazon best-selling Author

Award winning Author

Love Alchemist

Hypnotist

Coach